The natural order of holidays

This week literally came and went before I could even think about what I was most thankful for. I planned, cooked and hosted Thanksgiving…I guess I’m thankful it’s over…and that my table looked fabulous ūüėČ

But I like to celebrate my Holidays on the given day in the appropriate month, and since Thanksgiving came and went quicker than condoms at the Olympics, I’ll spare you the “I’m thankful for…” speech.

I did enjoy the Holiday (as if my current weight increase doesn’t prove that enough) and I am eager to decorate the shit out of my apartment and turn it into a winter wonderland. While I am anxious to bust out all the red, green and (obviously) gold decorations I can get my hands on, I am still recovering from my recent Thanksgiving food coma. I appreciate a good house covered in tons of lights or the wonderful smell of pine trees, but I will never understand Christmas decorations¬†before Thanksgiving. I’m trying to figure out how to drop the 5 lbs. I gained in one meal before my work Christmas party next weekend, Santa Clause is the last thing on my daily list. ¬†There are some of you out there cannot seem to control your eagerness and frankly, you ruin it for the rest of us. In October I’m just getting use to pumpkin flavoring in all my drinks, I’m not ready to see flashing lights when I turn the corner or Santa climbing down the chimney. I definitely don’t appreciate seeing Santa and his little helpers blown up on your lawn before I have had a day to enjoy stuffing my body with turkey, potatoes and pie. Have a little respect. Everybody knows the natural order of Holidays, some of you just don’t understand self control. Trust me, everything is better when you wait; sex, kids, decorating for Christmas…it’s boring, but at least that makes the actual event more exciting…?

October 1: You don’t light, eat or wear anything pumpkin until the first of October. It is also time to put out some “Spooky” or “Boo” signs in your windows or the back of a witch slamming into your front door. This is the only month you can eat candy corn until your teeth fall out, and then wear those gnarly costume teeth to cover it up. Enjoy your baskets of glitter pumpkins and put your zombie statue out to scare the kids.¬†Enjoy the horror movie marathons¬†without¬†thinking how “you’re thankful not to have known Michael Myers” would be a good thing to say at the table when mom makes everyone say 1 thing that they’re thankful for. Wearing a cape or having blood all over your clothes is acceptable and no one looks at you twice so pretend your somebody your not, because after October 31, your family will constantly remind you, you are who you are.

November 1: The spider webs and chopped up body parts have got to go now. It’s time to pay homage to our Plymouth pioneers and watch our “President” pardon a turkey, we must also keep those pumpkin flavors going. I get it, this is somewhat of a boring month. You can’t enjoy a good slasher movie or wear your badass mummy costume (Joshua) without feeling like somewhat of a loner. But you also can’t put up your tree or wear red and green together without seeming like one of those addicts from My Strange Addiction: Christmas edition. Plan your meal (it isn’t that hard, it’s the same every year) and decorate your table with a few pine cones and glittery leaves and eat yourself silly. After Thanksgiving day, take a little break, enjoy some football and turkey sandwiches. This year, you have an entire week left in November. Enjoy that time of neutral colors and pumpkin falvors to prepare yourself, because next month it’s peppermint, glitter, and Santa everything overload.

December 1: Go ahead, go crazy. Bust out those lawn gnomes dressed up as reindeer you love so much and put up the flashy icicle lights above the entrance to your home. Those tacky blow up snow globes our neighbor hates? Go ahead put them out! Enjoy your Christmas tree without worrying that it will die before December even comes around. Hang candy canes from every knob in your house and place every stuffed Santa you own in every room. In my opinion, Santa should not be put on the roof, the lawn, peeking out of the window and trying to go down the chimney all at once, but if at your house he does…this would be the appropriate time to bring all of him out. Rednecks, you can now give your F-150 antlers and a Rudolph nose. You can now freely light those peppermint, pine and cinnamon candles you have been smelling every time you open your candle drawer and gingerbread is now an appropriate flavor to use in cookies. This is the only month drinking peppermint schnapps and egg nog (gag) is worth it. You can cuddle up in your flannel pajamas (even though it’s 70 degrees in San Diego) and watch “Home Alone” happily. Drinking your hot cocoa will taste that much better. You can now wear those ugly Christmas knits, sweaters, t-shirts, turtle necks and, even sometimes, vests that you have been fighting the urge to put on since December 26 last year(that lady has style). Anything green, red, gold or silver ¬†can now be hung from the trees in your yard and those wreaths and garland hanging on your front door and on your patio are now an appropriate way to welcome people ¬†into your home. Placing bells on your door knob, though annoying, is now appropriate. Your dog may resent you…but this is the time to put those adorable elf ears or christmas onsies on your pooch. Everyone will still look at your funny when you wear a Santa hat out in public, but at least ’tis the appropriate season.

I cannot wait, as I said before, to decorate the shit out of our apartment…but I will. I’m gonna take this week to detox from pumpkin, go to the gym, throw out the leftovers, put away anything orange in my house, wear shorts and enjoy the warm weather. Come December 1, I’ll be wearing UGG boots, scarves and sweaters of the Christmasy kind. I’ll have a tree covered in lights and glittery decorations, an apartment full of cinnamon scents and gingerbread cookies, ¬†presents both big and small under the tree and a mug constantly filled with Bailey’s and cocoa…now that’s worth waiting for.

Until then…Happy Renting!

I couldn’t resist…


One thought on “The natural order of holidays

  1. Sounds like you are going to have the perfect Christmas ‚̧

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